


again and again and again

by purplefennels7



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Drinking, Gen, M/M, Poetry, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Reminiscing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-22 01:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12470880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplefennels7/pseuds/purplefennels7
Summary: 'now he’s gone they took him away and left me with nothing'jim after chris's death**poem**





	again and again and again

**Author's Note:**

> i was having some major chris-and-jim feels the other day and wrote this

the first night after

it happened

i get myself

blackout drunk i don’t remember

much of that night

just wanting to make the pain

stop

and bleach the blood and the screams and the red, so much red right out of

my brain but

i wake up again the next morning and

i’m not sure why i did it i’m not sure if i want to 

live anymore but i’m not sure if i want 

death, either

 

and now i’m here again it’s late and it’s

dark outside and

the lights in 

our

my flat are

too bright so i’m here

and i can’t explain why i’m 

here of all places turning a crystal tumbler in my hands but i

haven’t even touched it and i realize 

 

i’m only here because

the last time i saw him we were here 

 

and i was trying to 

drown myself in a drink and he

sat down beside me and

put me up to another

challenge and

 

now he’s gone they took him away and left me with nothing

 

and now i come here and i drink and i go home 

and in the morning i go through the motions but

i don’t feel anything and then

i come back and i drink and i go home

and i come back and i drink and i go home

and i come back and i drink and

 

i’m wondering why i’m still doing this why i’m still pretending that i’m fine

no matter what i do it won’t 

bring him back nothing will change he’s gone and

i don’t know if i can still do this

i don’t know if i can be an explorer without

him to come home to

i don’t know if i can keep cheating the system without 

him watching my back

i don’t know if the stars still shine the same way without

him watching them with me

and i don’t know where the fuck it all went wrong again

 

he dared me to do better

is this better?

i came back

am i better?

 

and i’m back here again with my drink in my hand

wondering how to go on how i can keep living because 

the night is too dark and the stars don’t shine anymore and the memories are just too much

and i don’t know where this ends but

i know i’ll wind up here again because

it’s all i have left of him

all i’ve got left of the first thing that mattered

and the last

**Author's Note:**

> come scream at me on twitter about star trek and stuff (@orbitresonance)


End file.
